"We Just Need to Teach Kids to Use Social Media Responsibly..."

How this Big Tech Narrative Unfairly Displaces Responsibility Onto Parents

Being in this space for a while now, I’ve really sought to understand, and learn from different points of view about the ‘kids and social media’ conversation. I think it’s important to listen to opinions that may differ from my own, and to keep an open mind. We can’t be very productive if we aren’t open to changing our minds.

One of the common rhetorics I hear is this idea that ‘social media isn’t going anywhere, so we just need to teach kids to use it responsibly.’ I hear it over and over. And at times I think maybe they’re right, maybe this is the only way forward. But then I give my head a shake, because i understand that at this point in time, this idea of ‘teaching kids to use technology responsibly’ is actually a panacea that is largely impossible for parents.

The idea is this- if parents, and perhaps educators, can just teach kids to use technology in a responsible, ethical and safe way (also called digital citizenship), then they’ll largely fare well in the online world. Teach them about dangers to look out for, how to engage respectfully with others, and how to seek help when needed. In turn, they will also be able to regulate their own use. Sounds great, right?

Currently, we know that adolescents spend an average of 4-6 hours/day on social media. The average age kids are seeing pornography is 12. Sextortion is sky rocketing, kids are dying from drugs they find on Snapchat, and kids routinely receives predatory messages. I think we can all agree that, currently, many kids are not engaging with social media in a responsible, healthy or safe way. So what’s the problem? Why aren’t parents doing a better job teaching their kids to use their technology responsibly, to regulate their use? And why can’t they just put down the phones?

It’s because this is a big tech narrative. They’re trying to push this idea that teaching children to use their platforms responsibly is all it takes, while simultaneously creating sophisticated technology that preys on addiction pathways, and feeds them harmful content. It’s an oxymoron, and they’re trying to convince parents that it’s their fault if they can’t get their kids to use their platforms in a healthy manner.

In order to teach digital citizenship, this idea also assumes that parents know what apps their kids are using, what the potential pitfalls of those apps are, and that they’re keeping up with ever-changing features. I can tell you that I spend all my free time listening to podcasts, doing research, and writing about this topic- and yet I still find the intricacies of the apps very overwhelming. The features, updates, loopholes and differences between apps makes my head spin! How do we expect the average parent that works full time and may have limited knowledge of the current digital landscape to keep up? It’s impossible. It would be a full time job.

I think it’s also important to note that regardless of how much you teach your child about online risk, they cannot avoid it completely when the social media algorithms are known to promote and push content to teens that is inherently harmful. Examples are eating disorder, self-harm, violence, mysogyny, and hate content. This type of content is served far more to adolescents than it is to adults. And if any vulnerability is shown, the algorithm will push it harder.

Lots of businesses have jumped on board to promote and offer digital citizenship training. Studies about its effectiveness as it relates to mental health in adolescents is limited. Much of the research that does exist is completed by the businesses themselves (implicit bias!). In my opinion, there is not enough evidence to hedge our bets that digital citizenship training is the solution out of this mess.

I also want to be clear that I do think digital citizenship is important. It’s part of the solution. We do need to teach kids how to use technology responsibly, when the time is right. And for some kids, it will work wonderfully. But there are many kids who will not be able to overcome the addictive features of social media just because they’ve been taught about its pitfalls. It’s like asking a child not to eat candy because it could harm their health, but giving them a bowl of M&M’s to carry around with them 24/7. Most kids do not have the impulse control to hold themselves back, and we shouldn’t expect them to.

If platforms were held responsible for creating a safer online experience for kids, if they weren’t able to use a child’s data to increase the addictiveness of their algorithm, digital citizenship on its own may stand a chance. But as it stands today, I’m not okay with Big Tech pushing this narrative that makes it impossible for the everyday parent to succeed.

In my opinion, we need to combine digital citizenship skills with firm household boundaries about when and where screens may be used. Parents need to be their child’s frontal lobe, to a less or greater extent depending on the child. We also need to delay the introduction of smartphones and social media until much later into adolescence, when our children have a sense of who they are and have developed stronger executive function, judgement and impulse control. Big tech would hope you think I’m wrong, but I’ve seen how difficult it is for parents to manage their child’s use once they give in too early. There’s a reason why over 50% of parents regret giving their child a smartphone.