"Sweetie, I know it sucks feeling left out of the group chat"

Scripts to Validate and Empathize with Your Child

Many of you are in the thick of the ‘to give or not to give’ your child a smartphone and access to social media. It’s typically around the middle to end of elementary school that kids are already the ‘odd man out’ if they don’t have a smartphone. I received many messages this week from parents telling me their child, anywhere from 10 to 12 years old, is one of a few (or the only one) in their class without a phone. And the hurt feelings about being left out of the Snapchat group chats are already very real.

So here you are, trying to hold the line because you’ve done the research and you feel it’s what’s best. You’re trying to do the hard work now for the payoff later, but you also feel like your child is paying a price for that decision. This is such a hard place to be.

I wish I had magic words to help your child feel better. The truth is, you’re paving the way for others like myself who have younger children. And in my professional opinion, you’re doing the right thing. And while I don’t think there is anything that will surely make your kid happy about your decision, there may be some things you can say to help them understand:

“It’s my job to protect you, and some of the messaging apps don’t do a good job at keeping you safe”

Be honest with your child. Let them know how these apps work, how they can ‘trick’ little brains into wanting to spend all their time on them, instead of being outside and playing with friends or hanging out with mom and dad. How there are things they may come across that aren’t meant for their eyes, and it can be really hard to forget some of those things. How strangers may also try to trick them into doing things they don’t want to do.

Note: using certain messaging apps, on a family device in a common space may be perfectly fine as a way to find some common ground if you feel it’s appropriate.

“Sometimes, even if you are in a group chat, you may still feel left out”

Kids, parents and teachers often talk about the bullying, drama and toxicity that occurs on group chats. This can also leave kids feeling very alone or centred out. It can also be very apparent when you’re left out of an in-person hangout based on the Snapmap and other tracking software. In other words, kids can be very aware of being left out on purpose. Sometimes staying on the outside of this isn’t a bad thing.

“Sometimes you will be left out, and that sucks. But you know what, you get to spend so much time ______”

Fill in the blanks with things your child loves to do, that they wouldn’t otherwise be able to do if they were scrolling social media. Maybe a sport or hobby that they get to spend more time improving. Maybe helping dad do projects around the house, or spending more time outdoors.

And to summarize some advice from other moms who have decided to delay- keep them busy, offer fun alternatives, and remember that when you say ‘no’ to something you’re saying ‘yes’ to something else.

Drs. Gabor Mate and Gordon Neufeld discuss in their book Hold Onto Your Kids how there has been a cultural shift towards peer-orientation, where kids are basically being raised by other kids. They’re looking to their peers for validation, direction, values and identity, resulting in many of the struggles they are facing. While I think peers are very important, I think balance, as always, is key.

When kids are released into the world of social media, they immediately feel the pressure to be online, be available, and not miss a beat. The FOMO may be actually more intense than if they weren’t on the phone at all. This naturally leads them to want less time with their parents, and decreases the influence parents hold over their developing minds.

When I see kids in my office who are really struggling, plagued with suicidal thoughts- the most common protective factor they cite is their relationship with their family. So delaying social media (and looking for safer alternatives where available) may find your child left out sometimes, but it’s also an opportunity to centre their development within the values of your family. And I think down the road they will understand why you held the line.