Should Parents Monitor Their Child's Smartphones?

There are two sides of the coin here, and I see both

When a child gets a smartphone, the doors of the online world open up and immediately try to pull them in. As parents, we see content all over social media about the dangers children are up against- pornography, child sexual abuse material, sextortion, cyberbullying, drugs. There are REAL dangers, with new victims daily. It’s enough to make a parent never sleep again. Indeed, the majority of harm to kids now happens online and not outside our doors.

There are also some staggering statistics about the number of children who are left completely unmonitored online. A recent Ofcom poll revealed that 32% of 5-7 year olds who own a smartphone (24%, which is also staggering) use social media independently. A 2023 study by Ruling Our Experiences, a study that looked at 17,000 US girls, revealed that 58% of 5th and 6th grade girls report their parents “rarely” or “never” monitor their social media. For 7th and 8th grade it’s 63%, and in 7-12th grade its 78%.

It’s quite shocking to consider how many parents have no idea what their children are doing online, when they spend the majority of their spare time there. It would be odd to imagine parents not knowing where their children are hanging out in the physical world, or who they’re hanging out with. But many kids now spend more time with friends online than they do in the real world. So it makes sense that parents should keep an eye on them, right? This is where monitoring of phones comes into play.

Should parents be checking in on their child’s phones? When? How often? Until what age? There are so many questions, and I’m not sure I have all the answers.

On one hand, it feels like monitoring your child’s phone (after letting them know you’ll be doing it) is absolutely necessary and justified. After all, we don’t want them to make a mistake online that could haunt them forever, or even cause them to take their own life as is happening more frequently due to scams like sextortion. There are now a few ‘kid safe(r)’ smartphones on the market (Bark, Pinwheel, Gabb) that promise to keep your kid safe(r) online, and keep you informed of any nefarious activity. It seems reasonable to explain to your child why monitoring is necessary, and that it’s part of the ‘deal’ with having a phone. All good, right?

But there is this other nagging part of me that feels this is an overstep onto their privacy. That generally, kids are over-monitored and over-managed, and this is leading them to be more prone to learned helplessness, anxiety and decreased confidence. It can also make parents more anxious.

As Lenore Skenazy of Let Grow said, “I’d like to think about how giving a child a phone changes the parent, too. A 2022 Harvard study found that 18% of teens were suffering from anxiety…and 20% of mothers and 15% of fathers were, too. There are usually a lot of causes for any social problem, but here’s one I haven’t seen mentioned: that by being connected to our kids by phones, we, too, are becoming a more Anxious Generation.”

If we think about the physical world, parents keep an eye on what their kids are doing and where they are, they may get reports from neighbours or teachers or friends’ parents on their kid’s behaviour. But they typically don’t know everything. If your child is at a friend’s house, you won’t know what they’re gossiping about, what they’re watching on TV, things like that. But with device monitoring and parental controls, there is the capability to know your child’s every move, their every word, their every google search. And you can be alerted to every ‘worrisome’ thing that crosses their screen. Which in theory is great- but it also doesn’t necessarily let them work these things out on their own. This may hinder their executive function skills, and also increase your anxiety.

I think there can be a happy medium here. If this resonates with you, I think this is an approach to consider. First, wait until your child is developmentally ready for a smartphone and social media (lots more about this on my Instagram page). This in itself will be a better starting point because they will be more developmentally responsible with their online activity. By this point, you will have talked at length about online safety and digital citizenship. Tell your child up front that in order to keep them safe, just like you’d keep an eye on them in real life, you need to keep an eye on them online. Be very clear about this so that there is no confusion around ‘spying’.

Check in daily by chatting with them about what they’re up to online, what content they’re consuming and who they’re talking to. Check their phone here and there, or if you’re concerned. Perhaps more in the beginning, and less so as time goes on and they’ve earned your trust. But never stop talking. If you use parental controls and see something inappropriate come up, ask yourself whether it truly requires your intervention. Kids are often quite capable of trouble shooting on their own.

I think that with developmental readiness, open lines of communication, and parental oversight within reason, we can help to optimize a child’s online experience while still allowing them to have autonomy and control over their actions. I’d love to hear your thoughts!