If We Want Our Kids to Have a Healthy Relationship with Technology, We Must Lead by Example
Here Are 10 Ideas to Get You Started in 2025!
When I see teens in my office to discuss their mental health, at some point I will ask about their use of technology. More often than not, the amount of time they’re spending with technology is playing a role in their presentation. After we’re done chatting, I typically discuss options for treatment (medication, lifestyle changes, counselling) with a parent in the room. When I suggest that overuse of screens may be exacerbating (or sometimes even causing) their presentation, parents often agree.
However, it doesn’t tie up nicely at that point. There isn’t a harmonious agreement followed by everyone agreeing that changes will be made immediately. I find that I’m most often met with one of two responses:
Parents agree with me, and say they definitely notice a difference in their child’s mood when they’re on their phone too much. When this is the response, the child often exclaims, “You’re on your phone just as much as I am!” And typically, they’re not wrong.
Parents agree with me, but immediately cite concerns about what their child will do instead, if not spending all that time on a screen. When screen overuse has become a problem, the child often has little in the way of hobbies or extra curricular activities, and parents don’t know how to help.
In both of these scenarios, the role of modelling healthy use of technology cannot be overstated. We can’t expect our kids to use tech responsibly if we don’t, and we can’t expect them to figure out what to do with themselves if we don’t support them in doing so.
Many studies have looked at the way a parents’ use of technology impacts their children. In fact, there is a term for it- Parental Technoference. This is defined as habitual interferences and disruptions within interpersonal relationships or time spent together due to use of electronic devices. This article ,which reviewed existing studies on parental technoference, found a significant relationship between adolescent perceptions of parental technoference, which were negatively associated with adolescent mental health and positively related to adolescent violent behaviours (particularly cyberbullying). This longitudinal study examined technoference as it relates to younger children (aged 0-5) and noted a bidirectional association. That is, children with more behaviour problems at baseline led to higher parental technology use (mediated by parental stress), and increased technology use also predicted more behavioural problems later on.
I think we’d all agree that technology has a hold on us. I primarily speak about the effects on kids and adolescents, when in fact, it all applies to adults as well (although we may be less vulnerable because our brains are fully developed- but sometimes the things I see adults posting on social media makes me question this).
Anyway, heading into 2025, I thought it may be helpful to list some ways we can more consciously fight back against this stronghold technology has over us. It can be helpful to play around with different methods. Choose one, choose a few, choose them all! See what works for you, by paying attention to how your mood, focus, and ability to engage with your kids IRL changes.
Avoid scrolling For At Least One Hour After Waking. This one is great for a few reasons. It allows you uninterrupted time to get s**t done, increasing a sense of productivity, thereby reducing stress. It also prevents a surge in cortisol, a stress hormone, first thing in the morning, and reduces cravings to checks socials for the rest of the day. The longer you can wait, the better (I often try to wait until lunchtime).
Avoid Scrolling 1 Hour Before Bedtime. This also reduces cortisol, and improves sleep onset. Keep your phone out of your bedroom if willpower can’t tackle this one, or use a device like getbrick which turns off apps of your choosing.
Make Use of Device Controls. Our devices have control features like Do Not Disturb, Sleep, focus mode etc which can be customized to suit your needs. If you’re trying to focus on time with your kids, throw on Do Not Disturb mode, or even airplane mode, to prevent notifications from distracting you. (By the way, turn off notifications altogether!)
Set Time Limits on Problematic Apps. Instagram is the only social app that I have trouble regulating, so I place a 1 hour time limit on it. Yes, it’s very easy to ‘ignore’, as it doesn’t actually lock you out of the app at all. However, it’s a reminder that, “Hey, you’ve spent an hour of your day on this app, wrap it up!” I find it really helpful to combat the time blindness that can happen on social apps.
Choose Your Favourite App. If you use many social apps, and have a hard time regulating, consider deleting all but your favourite.
Use Social Apps on a Desktop. Most platforms like Instagram, Tiktok, and X are accessible by desktop. Deleting the apps off your phone will make access less portable and therefore less convenient. Platforms are also more ‘annoying’ to use on a desktop, which may reduce their attractiveness.
Have ‘Scrolling Windows.’ Some find it easier to designate certain times of day you’re ‘allowed’ to scroll, for example 20 minutes over lunch and 30 minutes after the kids go to bed. This can allow for some scrolling downtime, but avoids the constant ‘checking’ throughout the day.
Out of Sight, Out of Mind. Research shows, you’re more likely to be focused, and less distracted, if your phone is in a different room. Physically distance yourself from your phone if you struggle to put it down.
Use Devices to Help. There are lock boxes like this one, the Aro Box, and app blockers like 4rem or Brick. I’ve used 4rem myself, and find it very helpful to set schedules that block me from scrolling!
Fill your cup with offline activities. When scrolling has become a main pastime, it replaces other activities and hobbies. You may need to do some soul searching here. Come up with a plan before cutting back for how you will spend your time. Tackle that ever-growing ‘to-do’ list, reignite an old hobby, plan outings with the family.
As a parent, I absolutely empathize with how much we’re all juggling. Using our devices as a way to unwind, in moderation, can be absolutely fine. But we need to pay attention to how much, and when we’re using devices. If they are interfering with our own interests and hobbies, mood, motivation, and relationships, we must take action.
One easy way to assess whether our devices are impacting our relationship with our children is to.. get ready for it… ask them! Most of the existing research on adolescents looked at self-report surveys. This means that adolescents are able to identify when they think their parents are placing their phones ahead of their needs.
I’d love to know which strategies you try out, and which works best for you!